With brain bleeds there are different severities and these are 1-4, 1 being small and 4 being a big bleed.
When told about there bleeds we asked how bad on the scale they both where the doctors answered with ‘we don’t like to put numbers on bleeds anymore but Aubrey’s is small and Ashton’s is quite big’ well we aren’t stupid we knew what this meant and we knew Ashton must be at least a 3 if not a 4.
They told us that most bleeds will absorb back in to the body but can leave damage after they are gone. We just had to wait for them to grow and wait for more scans to see what the outcome would be.
Aubrey’s absorbed back in to her body and left no lasting damage, Ashton’s unfortunately did not.
I was in the room the day they scanned him and for some reason I just knew it wasn’t going to be good news. I watched as the doctor scanned over his tiny head and took pictures of what was going on inside. He then stopped and I could tell by his face he didn’t want to tell me what he had found. He asked everyone to leave the room other parents and nurses but asked one to stay behind to listen in. I took a deep breath and sat down while he showed me the images he had taken. He then went on to explain that the bleed had left damage on the right side of his brain this meant the left side of his body would be effected. I repeated ‘ok’ over and over again trying to take in every detail I could. He expected me to break down but other then a few tears that I let slip out I kept myself together, I had to be strong for my son what would crying do? It wouldn’t help me or him!
He carried on explaining how at this point we wouldn’t know how severe it was and that it would take 2 years to know the full extent of the damage and how it will effect his life. It could effect just a hand or it could effect his whole left side and his speech. Again I just kept saying ok, i didn’t have many questions and I didn’t have much to say, I guess looking back I was trying to process it all and couldn’t come up with anything worth saying and the things I could think up won’t best to say out loud! The doctor apologised like it was his fault and left me to my son.
I looked down at this tiny little fighter wondereing what his life was now going to be like. He looked so perfect laying there in his incubator yet inside his body was telling a different story!
Telling his dad was hard and I knew I couldn’t wait till later it just wasn’t fair, so phoned him while he was at work and said we needed to talk. I felt so guilty and blamed myself, it was my body that didn’t work well enough to carry him to term and I will live with that for the rest of my life.
After that phone call and few minutes to myself to think I made a plan that this would not effect his life and I would do everything in my power to make his life perfect and as normal as I can. If he wants to play football he will, if he wants to swim he will, if he wants to be an Olympian he can, if he wants to fly planes he will. I am determined to do everything in my power to make his dreams come true, one way or another he will not miss out because of this small black hole that is now in his brain. As his mum I will make everything a possibility.
The next two years are going to be tough the wait will be a killer but I’ve excepted that my son has brain damage – this word ‘damaged’ I hate, he’s not damaged at all he’s perfect yet there is no other word for it – and yes it’s horrible but he is my son, my little fighter that has so far done so amazing being born so early and he will continue to fight and I will help him in every way possible, I have to be strong for him and the rest of my family.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger 💪🏻